rambling about

Choices . . .

I've had friends question what I've done.

They seem to find it a very hard thing.

It wasn't easy, and it was a very scary thing to do,

both times.

The first time, I teetered this side of panic,

most of the time.

Bills, money, insurance, nursing license, job, sleep, find a doctor, find a dentist, find my sanity, will the pipes freeze, what if my home loses power for 2 weeks during the winter again?

This time I don't have to worry about money,

(okay, we haven't actually worked out the details, but it has been discussed, and there will still be choices to be made.)

My house is being fixed and my FANTASTIC neighbor is acting as project manager, and mowing my lawn,  and keeps my Home looking lived in.  Since I never changed my address, (I really did think this was going to be a temporary gig), his wife has been keeping up on my bills.  (I do send them money to cover for the month!)

I still feel this was something I had to do

period

It is the soup that makes up my DNA, it is who I am.

My older Brother told me once

"You are the Heart of this Family,

without you there is no Family."

I don't know about that.  I know I was born a nurse, (I did many other things before I entered nursing school, but I always nursed) . . . maybe that's what this family needed.

I was brought up short when during our initial interview process with home care, the Social Worker, after many questions about Mother's needs, home, status, etc., asked . . .

"How do you feel?"

blink

blink 

blink

huh?

My Sister-in-law, who had sat in for this, saw my abject confusion and inability to articulate,  answered . . .

" . . . they see something needs to be done and they just do it"

Admittedly she started off with something about  . . . they are not the most huggy/kissy/feely sort of family . . . 

who us?!

I do realize that most of the people here in the Condos, think I am the most wonderful, marvelous daughter ever.

I also realize most of them are around my mother's age.  They wonder what will happen to them.

My mother's friends, all take me aside and rave about how much better she looks since I am around now.  

I think they want to make sure I stay.

Several people made comments about how much they like my hair NOW that I'm letting it grow out.

I reminded them that it WAS longer when I came out the first time.

Then why did you cut it ALL off???

So my Father had nothing to pull.

Oh.

Mom and I,

we do laugh and have a good time,

but it's not all sunshine and roses.

. . . and I am still not a Saint no matter what they say.