she began shrinking

shocked

She looked wretched 

Cheeks are sunken

Dark circles about her eyes

Her arms were bone thin and a patchwork of purple

She began to cry 

I signed her out.  

No one asked to show me 

or 

if 

I knew how to transfer her from wheelchair to car, etc.

I placed her in the car, returned their chair, and headed for "home."  

I got her out of the car and into the wheelchair my brother had acquired.

I got her up the 3 stairs and into the house . . . somehow and without injury to either of us.

When I texted this . . . my S-I-L said she considered that a miracle and that she had had no idea how I would accomplish it.

She had NO interest in food.  

I pulled all the frozen meals out of the freezer, that she had bought herself.  None looked good to her.  I begged and pleaded for every bite.

The Home Health Nurse, (two days later), and I managed to weigh her.  After two days of eating half a Lean Cuisine, (and you know how small those servings are), at each meal, with snacks in between, (half a small banana, half a container of applesauce, half a container of pudding, etc.), she is missing at least 20 pounds.

I guess I know why she has no energy.

I guess I will be here longer then a month.

"Shall she repeat it?"

With no orders to be walked during her Hospital stay, Mom spent close to three weeks off her feet.  A Rehab was chosen, and off she went.  

I explained my concerns about her current med regime, of which they agreed made little sense.  The nurses felt there would be no problem getting the facility MD to eliminate the Florinef.

2 weeks of meeting goals, one quick visit for 2 units of packed red cells, (all that fluid in the vessels to raise BP doesn't leave much room for those all important oxygen carting blood cells!), 28 days just wasn't going to do it.  The team meeting was very disappointing to us.  My Brother and I felt rather broadsided by the dictum that Mom was going to continue to need 24 hour care and her time was about up at the Rehab.

July 9th, I made 6 months at my job, and asked my Supervisor to do the evaluation.  (I had kept her abreast of all developments in case I had to leave again.)  I spoke to my DON of my hope that what needed to be done could be accomplished in a month.  Since I was not back yet a year, I needed to resign . . . again.

Mom's release date was Saturday July 14th, but my Brother and the Rehab convinced Insurance to allow her to stay until 1 pm Tuesday July 16th.  I worked through the weekend, slept Monday, and left 9pm that night.  I arrived at Mom's Condo at 10:30am Tuesday, unpacked the car, showered, kenneled two very confused dogs, grabbed some bags, and went to pick up Mom.

I have Returned!

By-the-bye,

and how I find myself right back where I started . . .

May began with Mom finding herself on the floor with hypotension, (low blood pressure).

After a short hospitalization and tests, the Doctor's solution was to remove ONE of the blood pressure lowering drugs and to place her on a sodium sparing hormone (florinef) to RAISE her blood pressure by increasing fluid volume.  (Ok, this is going to get ugly fast . . . just warning you!)

Mom and I are both prone to swollen ankles, (--from sitting, hot weather, or too much sodium . . . which we both avoid like the plague!  We have both had dopplers done of our legs and our vessels appear to be fine.), so I warned my brother to be on watch for increased fluid elsewhere and to especially watch her breathing.  Exactly one month later, Mom called him in a panic about her ability to catch her breath.

Back to the hospital

Lung sounds clear, need 4 liters of oxygen to maintain sats, some fluid on x-ray, don't think it's Pneumonia, but we will put her on Rocephen anyway, and we will do a thoracentesis in 3 days.  (it was a weekend)  They then removed 1600 cc of fluid from her left chest.  (Yes, that's almost a 2 liter bottle!)  

So now the Doctor removes the OTHER blood pressure lowering med and puts her on a CONGESTIVE HEART FAILURE MED, (also lowers BP).  (She has never had a diagnosis of CHF.)  The Doctor does not get rid of the Florinef.   (that caused the fluid build-up and CHF!)

This is her Cardiologist of many years.  It's left me scratching my head.  I had the opportunity to talk to the treating Pulmonologist . . . and he didn't seem to understand either.  

We now appear to have gone Through The Looking-Glass! 

or right into the Twilight Zone.

suddenly appeared again

Do I look like General MacArthur?

I have returned. 

It's been a busy few months.

I was arranging contractors for my house's foundation, structure, and driveway.  

painting trim . . . precariously

Gone!  one disastrous porch and weedy driveway.
Oh yes, DIRT much better.

two tons of too small porch . . . outa here

I was painting portions of the house that didn't need repair, searching for my front garden, reconnecting with beloved friends, and back at work full time.  (I had just made my 6 month evaluation-excellent and was now eligible for the vacation/sick time I had been accruing.)

Whoo-hoo!

Mom was getting healthier, and with Dad having moved on, her blood pressure was returning back to her (low) normal.


Did I mention that two of her anti-arrhythmia drugs lower BP also?


Do you see a problem?

both the heroes

Not Necessarily Identical

It's what you see and how you see it.

I knew and worked with two nurses who were sisters.  Actually, in this town they are known as "the Twins."  They are identical right down to their genetics.

For some odd reason, I was, (aside from some family), the ONLY one who could tell them apart.  Yes, even when only one of them appeared before me.  This appealed to them greatly and made me an honored friend.

I had met D's husband and as I sometimes do, found he reminded me of someone . . . Clark Kent, and told her so.  Shortly there after, in frustration to get her to answer an overhead page at work, I paged Lois Lane.  She not only answered the page but thought it absolutely wonderful. 

Sisters do talk.

I was then invited to S's wedding.  Completely unaware that there was eager anticipation for me to meet her betrothed.

"Tell me!  Tell me!   Who does he remind you of????"

Ah ha!  I feel a bus bearing down on me, but it was actually easy, in that sharp tux he did remind me of someone . . .

"James Bond."

"Oh."

The disappointment was palpable.

"Well what does that make ME?"

Ah, now I see, it's THEIR persona that was sooo important.

"A Bond Girl."

"Whoo-hoo, I'm a Bond Girl!"

It was a lovely wedding.

Oh, and both ladies, not long after, had gastric bi-pass surgery.

Maybe now, others see them that way too.

into the dark water

Dark water indeed . . .

Rain and more rain.

The wet does make it difficult to get anything done outside, and if I even get the lawn mowed . . . it just needs to be mowed again the day after next!

 I guess the swans out on the river like it

 Awfully pretty, isn't he?

Like a watery Monet painting

turned away

110 Days

nearly 4 Months

1/3 of a Year

I've been back in New England

Back to my House
Back to my Job

Back to my Friends

or not.

I left suddenly, and gaps had to be filled.  You can't and shouldn't just unfill those gaps.  (With my job, I was lucky  . . . a gap appeared in time.)

I've made many efforts, but the heart does not seem to be in it from the other side.  At what point do I take the hint, (in this age of high tech. communication), and accept that I now inhabit the Christmas card list only?

110 days.

Perhaps, it was easier when I was 740 miles away . . . now it is just awkward.

110 days.

The 758 days were harder then anyone knows, except perhaps my Mother.  I so looked forward to coming back.  I did not expect things to be the same, it was 758 days of Life for them too, I just thought I would fit in somewhere.

110 days.   

 it is time to let go, and mourn . . .

but,

I will always hope.

Peace, love and joy to all,

in heaps

Did I mention snow???

This was yesterday after a day of snow . . .

I lost half my Dogwood in the Halloween storm . . .

Now this?

But wait,

There's More . . .

it kept snowing.

My town . . . 12.5 inches.

Two SNOWs this "season"

ONE

Halloween

and

Two

March 1st

don't even ask about the inbetween,

rain, bitter cold, ridiculously warm, etc.

glasses upon their heads

I've had many an Optician frown at my glasses, as I ask them to put new lens in my old frames.

"but really, they are terribly out of style!  Look these would be soo cute on you . . ."

Yes, but MINE cover my eyes well . . .

Now that my glasses are CLEAN, I'm going to go shower the red stuff out of my hair, check to see if there are any spots I have to soak off my scrub top, I wore my crocs - so they clean easily, and due to the foot of snow - I wore jeans, so no problem.

Since it wasn't my patient I was at the foot of the bed assisting, of course I did later ambu from on top of the bed as 4 others transferred the patient to the ambulance gurney.

I like red,

but for now,

I will take it this way.

PS
This has been the topper for the worst week EVAH.

Life,

what is it but a

Dream?

I have returned from the "looking glass life", although things seem almost as upside down and backwards as it was there. 

I contacted many companies (magazines, financials, insurance, etc.) to give my new (old) home address and contact info.

One sent me a letter confirming the address change and "thank you for contacting us with your new address" . . . they sent it to my Mother's house and it arrived here with a YELLOW postal tag on it with this address and a "could you please get off your butt and notify these people that you have moved!!" 

My new insurance kicked in last week, so AT LONG LAST, I no longer need to pay COBRA insane amounts of money.  However, even though I dutifully filled out the paperwork with all correct and pertinent information, my new card came with my Mother's address on it.  Human Resources is working on this little mystery . . . but basically they look at me and shake their collective head . . . they know, it's ME.  if anything can go wrong it will happen to me!  I have heard "we've NEVER had that happen before" so many times!  Banks, insurances, car loans, schools, any where there is a computer involved . . . I think I cause them to have seizures.

Sigh.